Nice Recreational Depictions
by Detouredbe
Summary: Please read the title in as sarcastic a tone as you can. A ludicrous, "Spaceballs"-inspired one-shot, starring the ever-fun-to-poke-fun-at Jasper. Rated T due to the "exchange" of some highly suggestive ideas.


**So, this here is the result of a mental cross-breeding of the _Steven Universe_ episode "Jailbreak", with the movie _Spaceballs_. Since I haven't seen this done anywhere, I figured why not do it, myself? It's a quite absurdist, stab-and-go conjecture as to what Jasper might have done between ordering Peridot back to the bridge in that episode, and discovering that Garnet had come back together. Now, aside from the obviously nonsensical concept of Jasper possessing action figures of the shows' characters, I'm aware her imagination in this short may come across as exceedingly goofy, but again, that's the sort of scene from the _very_ goofy _Spaceballs_ that this is parodying.**

To anyone who might ask her, she'd essentially dismiss it as a strategic practice. That would, of course, be followed by a socking solid enough to render her answer irrelevant or worse. Jasper is grateful that she finally got that pesky little Peridot to quit whining about her mediocre mission and go back to the bridge, otherwise she'd not be able to get a moment in for this.

But make no mistake, she's just working out the best application of her tactics. That's all it is. Why else would a seasoned warrior of high rank, of _high regard_ for that matter, be enacting prospective interactions with the gems imprisoned aboard this ship, with these little figurines of them?

One meaty hand is grasping a finger-length doll resembling herself, while the other bears a proportionally accurate Sapphire doll. The other dolls all stand in poised positions on the desk the actual Jasper is seated at, awaiting their application in the depiction-which-is-NOT-a-game.

In her own voice, Jasper provides dialogue for her miniature self, growling in a menacing, domineering tone, "At last, you are my prisoner, Sapphire!"

"No! Stay away from me!" she cries in a ridiculously higher tone, voicing the Sapphire doll. "Ruby! Oh, Ruby, my little fusion-partner! Save me! La-la-la-la-LA!"

"Singing won't do you any good, you fool! That worthless little Ruby and all the others are locked away, and can't move a muscle to help you!"

"Oh, you're wrong! We'll never succumb to the likes of you!"

"Really? We'll just see..."

Putting the Sapphire doll down for a moment, she grabs the Ruby doll, and giving her a very unflattering voice, exclaims, "Keep your hands off my Sapphire! I'm gonna use my mighty gauntlet to bash your gem in!"

Back to the Sapphire doll, she cries out, "Oh, Ruby! Ruby, you came for me! La-la-la-la! La-la-la-LA!"

"Shut up!" yells the Jasper doll, who is then arranged in combat with the Ruby doll. "Idiot! You think a magic glove is gonna stop me?" Since the Jasper doll happens to be holding a gem destabilizer, Jasper makes it prod the Ruby doll with the weapon.

"GAGH! Ah, oh the pain! THE PAIN!"

"Weakling!" mutters the Jasper doll. "How did you ever think you could pass yourself off as a warrior, even in a ludicrous fusion?"

"Oh, Ruby! Oh, you villain! You monster!" wails the Sapphire doll.

"A-ha-ha! Now, nothing stands between me and – oh, what now?" groans the Jasper doll.

A figurine of Steven is moved towards those of Jasper and Sapphire. "Stop right there, Jasper! I am Rose Quartz, the mighty leader of the traitorous Crystal Gems! And I am in a new, improved, physical form resembling a chunky, juvenile human male! Because somehow I've convinced myself that this is a better fighting tactic! Sick, huh?"

"Oh, this'll be all too easy!" The Jasper doll's head is banged against that of the Steven doll, which falls flat on its back. Turned to face the remaining figurines of the Crystal Gems, it inquires, "Well? Who else wants to challenge me?"

"I'll go!" yells the Amethyst figurine.

"Seriously? A runty little excuse for a quartz like you? If only you hadn't been too lazy to come out of the ground on time, I might have honoured you by _trembling_ , just for a moment... Before I did THIS!" the Jasper doll taunts the Amethyst doll prior to applying the destabilizer.

"What about me? I'm a defective Pearl! I can fight and look all frou-frou doing it!"

"You! Ba-hah! You can hold my helmet when I'm not using it!" The Jasper doll "destabilizes" the Pearl doll before Jasper removes its helmet, placing it atop the fallen Pearl doll.

"Finally! We are alone!" The Jasper doll is put together with the Sapphire doll again.

"No! No! I won't let you! I won't let you touch me! Get away!" The Sapphire doll tries to run.

"Quiet! Do you really think you can escape me now? Your crack-gemmed* leader is indisposed, same as your defective co-horts! And there's no way for you to hide in that pathetic Garnet-disguise that a newly-emerged gem would've seen through! No, you are mine now, Sapphire! MINE!"

"NO! No, I'll never be yours! I'll never consent to being anything other than that stupid Garnet, together with my precious Ruby!"

"Nonsense! Think how much more you could be with a fusion partner of my size and strength!"

"Never! Oh, the dreadful, logical idea of it! No! No! No – oh... ahh... Oh, Jasper!" Do you know that red stripe over your eyes? It brings out your yellow irises in the most flattering way!"

"So good to hear you say it, my beautiful Sapphire," the Jasper doll murmurs in a much calmer, more husky tone. "Now, come here and kiss me!"

"Oh, I mustn't! I mustn't! But – oh, I can't resist! I _must_ resist! I won't give in! Oh, oh... your lips are every bit as muscular as the rest of you!"

Without warning, a Lapis Lazuli figurine is brought into the enactment. "Hey! If you were so hot for her, what in Homeworld was with all those passes you gave me?"

"Simple, my fair Lapis! I can never have my fill of blue gems! My greatest ambition is to have every blue-coloured gem alive bowing to my every will, and consenting to let me have my way with them!* Now get in here; you can fondle my thighs with those dainty, elegant hands and Sapphire can paw at my excessive biceps and shoulders!"

Unfortunately, this all-too entertaining "strategic planning" has to be put on an abrupt hold when a screen materializes next to Jasper, Peridot's face looking annoyingly bug-eyed as she states with concern, "Jasper, I'm picking up a security breach in the Sapphire's cell! It's possible she has somehow managed to escape!"

" _WHAT_?" Due to Jasper already panting from shock at the sudden interruption, and her reactive measures to cover up her practice, what should have been an intimidating bellow came out as an exasperated gasp. "No, it's _not_ possible!"

"Jasper, this ship utilizes the latest in gem technology, and it's too new a model for the security monitors to be malfunctioning!"

"Grr, fine! Stay on the bridge, I'll deal with it." Before forcing the screen closed, she demands, "Wait... You didn't _see_ anything,  did you?"

"N-no! No, ma'am. I did not see you playing with your miniature recreational depictions again!" Peridot stammers, now very nervous.

A terrifying gleam in her eyes, and a threatening undertone in her voice, Jasper growls, " _Good_ ," and pounds at the screen connection, effectively turning it off. Grumbling quietly, she leaves her headquarters to begin this impromptu investigation. For the record, there's a relatively obvious reason why there's no Peridot figurine in her collection...

 **The end.**

 **AN: Because as vast as little Peridot's fanbase may be (a certain _myself_ belonging to that crowd, as well), I just don't see Jasper as being a part of it, figuratively speaking. Now, since I made note of one or two things in the story, here are the respective elaborations:  
**

 **1\. "Crack-gemmed" is supposed to be a jocular play on "crack-brained", though this is probably all too easy to decipher.**

 **2\. That's a bit of headcanon there; just as I picture Peridot as being drawn to quartz-type gems - whether she knows what to make of this or not, of course - I also fancy that Jasper's got a little thing for blue-coloured gems. After all, if you watch the facial interaction between Jasper and Lapis when she grabs her wrist in "The Return", it is quite easy to derive the implication that she's been hitting on the blue gem (without reciprocation, naturally). It is also worth noting that in "Jailbreak", she is only shown around Sapphire while Garnet is de-fused, and never with Ruby. Furthermore, she sounds almost too upset when she discovers that Sapphire has departed from her cell. Obviously this could mean little to nothing, but I take great amusement from this interpretation, nevertheless. :)  
**


End file.
